goodbye sky harbor
<<2001-12-10 - 11:16 p.m.>>

i said something about everyone having a person who would die for them today, as consolation to a girl i love who just got her heart broken. as i said it, i realized i wished i had someone who would say these things to me. i've had my heart broken, i think. it sure as fuck feels that way.

i don't think i was in love with jay like "oh yeah let's get it on" sort of love, maybe not even the "spend the rest of your life by my side" sort of love. it was the "i love you" sort of love. it was platonic, really. but goddamn! i loved him! it's never hurt like this before. it's never hurt this badly, for this long. i've never hated myself more for hurting over him, when he's right there, right beneath my fingers. but god... *buries her face in her hands* this song is so incredibly sad. the lyrics are about death, i think; about losing someone very close to you to death before you could thank them for what they've done for you. so sappy. the tune is gorgeous though. *presses the repeat button* i hate wallowing in self-pity, but i can't rid myself of this pain, so what else can i do?

every time i hear his voice, it hurts me. every time i see him, it hurts me. every time i think of him, this little gaping hole opens up in me. it sounds so cliche, but that's exactly how it feels. I FUCKING HAAATE IT. i wish it would just die, wither away, go away, I HATE HIM for doing this to me! i sincerely wish i had never met him. then i wouldn't have to suffer like this. so he can just drop me and go hang with the stupid popular girls. are they any better company than me?

i love him to death, but now i see him as a very shallow person. he dropped me, completely, severed every bond without apparent remorse, and now he talks to all the abercrombie girls who might have been intelligent at one point but all that lip gloss has eroded their brain.

FUCKING... grrr... *clenches her hands* i despise them, and i despise him. but i can't stop thinking about him, and i can't stop hurting. he betrayed me, and i'm too scared to get him back. i'm such a loser. but maybe i'd be better without him. i just can't wait for it to heal.

i miss him so much. nothing can fill the hole. not even julian. (*pathetic sob*) i wish i wasn't so stupid. it sucks.

btw, i'm writing a slash story with the strokes, just like i said i would. (did i say that? or am i imagining things?) it's about nick getting sick of fame and leaving the band, but he's also in love with julian, and julian's playboy ways are breaking his heart. so he leaves, and julian has to find a way to make him stay... yadda yadda. *sweatdrops* i'll post it at ff.net sometime. you guys all have to read it and stuff.

that is all.

- sal