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i'm still waiting for you to get over this... i hate my father. i hate my mom too, but i'd like to be back there with her right now. whatever. anything. away from here. when i was a kid, something horrible and bad and evil happened to me. it happened several times over. the person who did it to me - well, that's a different story. but we don't talk about it. even my therapist and i don't talk about it. i don't know if anyone knows how much it fucking hurts, right now, every fucking minute, but they know enough never, ever to touch the subject. and when they do, they do it with extreme caution. but tonight, my dad must have been drunk or really angry or somethin, cuz he came into my room and started interrogating me aboutmy homework and lecturing me on what a fuck up i was. no bullshit. i hate it when he gets like that. so i just acted, to the best of my acting power, like i really didn't give two shits. (hmm, i actually didn't, looking back on it. the whole time i was thinking "leave... now. okay... get up and leave.. NOW. damn. NOW. ...rrr...he's gonna leave... NOW! hmm... nope...") but anyway. he lectured me about shit for a while, then he left. i just tried to not let it bother me. then he COMES BACK, sits down beside me and begins lecturing again. i ignore him basically for a while... and then he starts asking me questions about what happened to me as a kid - which is always referred to in my presence as the "incident with Nigel" or the "stuff with Nigel", because nigel is the guy who caused me all this trouble - and he WOULD NOT LET IT ALONE. he kept asking me. it was all i could do not to cry. and he was fucking using it to GUILT TRIP ME and make HIMSELF LOOK LIKE THE FUCKING HERO. W. T. F. i'm still pissed. i'm cold and angry and i need to cry but i don't WANT to. grrr. fucking parents. and he just came back in here to give me a hug. i pushed him away. FUCKER. did i ever show you guys this? it's hilarious. she writes fanfics, too, i think.and on that vein, i mentioned to one of my friends about how much julian really seems to like being on the floor. she goes, "repressed sexuality? freud thinks so!" but that theory can't be right because he's a sexy lead singer of a (relatively) famous band, which would mean he gets free love from groupies at least... every single day. *yawns* that's all... i wish suddenly that we didn't have monday off. i want to see scout and dan again. ;_; and sam. sam is cool. even though i stole his manu chao cd, haha. er... no i didn't. ahem. ps: me and rachel discuss julian's "bootyful man" potential the end. |
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