avocado and cheeeeeeeze?
<<2002-09-08 - 1:05 pm>>

i had this big depression fit last night, that luckily only lasted about an hour, but it was pretty.. i dunno... severe i guess. i almost like being depressed because it's better than what i usually am, which is just a big blob of nothing. this guy once asked me for advice and i was like "i'm not the best person to come to about this, i'm pretty one-dimensional when it comes to emotions" and he just said "yeah" like he had totally known it all along and pitied me.

but anyway... i was depressed because i'm in love and the person i'm in love with totally has no idea. which is fine with me, they're totally not the kind of person i could function in a relationship with (if i could function in a relationship at all, that is). my life totally revolves around them. i don't know why i'm keeping their identity a secret. i don't think they read my diary. oh, well, they have the address to it, so it's very likely that they could one day stumble upon it.

i almost like keeping it a secret anyway, because it's a sort of element of control i have over the situation. i'm so in love with them that i feel totally helpless. i've contemplated writing them a long confession and just waiting to see their reaction. i've never taken a risk like that. but i know as soon as i dropped something like that in the mail box i would dive in after it, take it out, and burn it. i'm the kind of person who dwells on things forever, like when i send letters i keep thinking "was that letter stupid? will the person who eventually gets the letter think i'm creepy?"

this is the one time that i can remember that i have been not completely okay with just letting my devotion die quietly. when i fall in love with people, it never really crosses my mind to tell them. but this time i can't stop thinking about them, and wishing i could talk to them and.. i don't know... anything. they let me be stupid and make dumb jokes and act 12 years old again and be totally un-self-conscious (though i'm self conscious anyway, but it's okay, they never judge me).

but i know i won't tell them, though i'd like to, not even just to get it off my chest but just to see how they deal with it. but i won't.

but, in other news, if you want to read my super short prologue bit of my albert-as-a-wee-self-conscious-high-school-student then feel free to direct yourself yonder!

that is all.