KJHJGFTASRTE
<<2002-10-26 - 12:05 am>>

ANDY IS MY BOYFRIEND.

i think.

i'm not really sure. but either way... i've kissed him. twice. in a row. and cuddled with him. and i'm pretty sure that was not A BANANA IN HIS PANTS when we were cuddling on richard's floor. HURRR.

okay, i am so insane about this and i think if i don't rant, hardcore, right fucking now, then i will die. so that is what you get.

MY NIGHT, the unabridged version:

there was a halloween dance at school tonight and i decided to go because my friend lily suggested it. she boards at CSW so i figured i'd just stay at the dorms with her overnight and go home on saturday morning. anyway, after school ended i just wandered around, constantly surrounded by at least three people. boarding... roxxx. andy was staying around too because he was supposed to play a soccer game against concord academy but concord canceled, so me and him and richard went down to the soccer field and watched the girls game against brimmer and may. that was HARDCORE. one time the ref called a play and one of the brimmer girls shouted "bitch!" really nasty-like at one of our players. i went over and gave them all the middle finger, since i knew that anyone i might have known who was on that team wouldn't recognize me. (i went to brimmer and may from kindergarten through fifth grade.)

anyway... i guess the flirting sorta started there... i mean, we flirt alot, i guess, or at least i think we do, but it was during the soccer game i asked him for his jersey (it was like 32 degrees out, and i was in a little t-shirt) and we just... well... tension was high. like sticking a fork in a socket. sort of. like a plastic fork.

and anyway it just progressed from there... we spent six or seven hours together, just me and him and lily and richard. i love richard and lily. i don't know what it was but lily was strangely bearable tonight; usually i can't take her for more than five seconds but i was hyper as shit and so was she, and richard and andy weren't being whiny boys, they ran around with us everywhere too. it was great.

and then at around 8 pm we went to lily's dorm to watch zoolander. i called my mom and discovered that i couldn't stay the night, so i told her to pick me up at 11 pm (my mother... RULES). we watched about half of zoolander and now it was like sticking two metal forks in a highly-charged socket. every second me and andy were moving closer... and when we touched - even just when his elbow rested against my shoulder - i didn't feel disgusting and.. like... nauseous, the way i usually do when someone i like touches me. i don't feel frustrated and anxious. i felt SO FUCKING CRAZY. i LOVE it when he just grabs my hand or puts his arm around my shoulder or... god.. i don't know. whatever. he only just first touched me like six hours ago but it was like... gah. gahhh.

we got bored in the middle of zoolander and went back to the main part of the campus where the school dance was happening, which we had mostly stopped paying attention to, and i just talked to all these people i had never really bothered to talk to before. i felt like a fucking social whore. it was beautiful.

and then... we discovered the BOUNCE HOUSE. the bounce house, for the uninitiated, is a big bouncy house type thing full of air, so you can jump on it and bounce and it's beautiful. there were already some people in there huddled together and talking and stuff but most of them cleared out pretty fast and so me and andy and lily and richard (which i will henceforth call Me & Co) just rolled in and began a giant communal cuddle. minus richard, however. richard stayed on the sidelines. and that was like sticking a handful of silverware in a high-voltage... thing. ok, enough with the electrical tension analogy. we were all groping each other, andy and i especially. and it wasn't weird and awkward... it was nice.

and then... i forget what transpired after that... but somehow we ended up in richard's dorm, on his floor, listening to portishead and talking about nothing. we were all assembled in a line across his floor, andy and i tangled together, me and lily tangled togehter, and lily and richard slightly tangled. yeah. and everything he said was right up against my neck or in the cup of my ear because we were pressed so close together. and... god... being held by him... is... SHIT... wow. yeah. it's nice. it's more comforting than anything. yeah. and he's just the right size - tall and broad and OH GOD SO SKINNY - so we fit together just right. if only... i could just... shed that extra padding...

oh okay, final stage of the story: it was past 11 pm, and we were still on richard's floor, so finally i made myself go. andy kept me close to him the whole walk back from the aleph (richard's dorm), and when we passed my mom's car in the traffic circle (which is like a landmark between all the dorms, at the very center of campus) i had to make him take his arm off cos i didnt want her to get the wrong idea. ahem. and then i went down to trapelo, lily's dorm, and got my stuff. and when we were walking up the curvy dark road from trapelo, i knew he wanted to kiss me, and i really wanted to kiss him, and i kissed his neck a couple times and then SHIT! WHABAM! we stopped right in the middle of the road with lily and richard walking just a few feet ahead of us. and we kissed for... a long time. well, maybe 30 seconds. but... it was like mouth sex. our lips were everywhere. i need to learn how to kiss. i think i bit his tongue once or twice. but... wow. insane. and then when we got to the traffic circle and caught up with richard and lily, they clapped for us, and i was so insanely happy i thought maybe i would pass out.

i told sam right away... like RIGHT AWAY... and i'm kind of wishing i hadn't... mostly because i feel like... well, he lost his best friend to a boyfriend, and i don't want him to think that about me. it's not going to happen. i don't know quite how much sam likes me but i consider him my best friend and... and... yeah. i really like him. so yeah. i;'m seeing him tomorrow. and things will work out then.

okay, now my andy-insecurities are setting in... so i'm gonna fuck off and go to sleep... or... read or something. toodle pip.