she doesn't mean you...
<<2001-12-26 - 6:10 p.m.>>

i feel as if i've been carved out from the inside. i feel horrid. i want to break something and hurt someone terribly. i want to be really incredibly mean to someone right now, and make them feel like i am feeling, and make them cry and hurt themselves.

i'm cruel.

i'm not crying, though, except i probably should be. i can feel the urge to cry, and i can feel the tears, but they're not coming. i'm sick. i am sick. physically and mentally.

betrayal is an interesting thing. the people who betray consciously, are they terrible people? you can classify people who betray, knowing what they are doing, as terrible or as cruel soulless people. but are they? there are so many different things that contribute. conscious betrayal is a fine line. unconscious betrayal is excusable, with the proper amounts of humility.

but conscious, willing betrayal...

if you do something knowing it will ruin someone else, and do it willingly, eagerly even, you are a horrible person. you will die lonely and unloved, and no one will attend your funeral.

but still... god! I DONT KNOW!!! i don't know. i can't stand it. i can't stand not knowing. I THOUGHT I UNDERSTOOD HIM. i thought he was a better person than that, i thought he was smarter, i thought i was smarter, i never ever ever saw this coming and i regret it all so much.

i must have some sign on my back or something that says "Please Hurt Me" or something, because the casbah has really not been rocking my way lately.

i'm sorry. please forgive me if i can't let you touch me anymore.