when spring comes, everything will be all right...
<<2002-02-06 - 3:06 p.m.>>

AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

that is how i feel today.

allow me to count the reasons, in a whiny bitchy self-pitying tone of voice. let us commence!

1) pants acted like i didn't exist today

2) i failed english & math, which really is no surprise, but it kind of sucks that i just wasted a whole month of my school year. hello, summer school. it looks like you and i are going to become great friends.

3) scout just totally flipped out on me for no reason at all and basically "broke up with me" i guess, told me she couldn't be my friend anymore. very, very dramatic. she said that i never "talked to her," that us hanging out was fun and all - but it just wasn't enough. she felt like she was sort of the person i got hyper with, and that i didn't really appreciate her, i guess. and she was really worried that i was gonna get kicked out of school. do you know that if scout deserts me, that's the second important figure in my life that i've lost in the last... oh... three months?

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG HERE?

see, earlier, i was irritated by the way people saw me: one-dimensional, happy all the time, goofy, perverted, etc. basically a nice person, if a little TOO happy. i wanted to be EVERY DIMENSION! i wanted to be all these things that i wasn't! i wanted to be special! i wanted to be the cutest, smartest, best lil indie rawker out there! but now i'm glad people DO take me at face value. that way i don't feel obligated to become attached to people emotionally. aaah... i'm just so messed up and angry and i feel like telling someone so badly, but i can't - all i've got is this stupid (*@Q($^*@$ diary that's not doing me any good anyway. i feel abandoned, i'm failing, i'm ambitionless. hurt. that's what i really feel. like... everything seemed so, so perfect with me and scout. SHE IS THE ONLY REASON I GO TO SCHOOL.

now what? now what do i do? i can't make it without her. i've got no one. everyone else is just fake and flimsy and uninteresting and they make me feel so insignificant.

on the up side, we watched "muzzy" in french today. i nearly had a conniption from laughing so hard.