did you see the stylish kids in the riot? ||| arslan [v. svefn-g-englar]

every breath we drew was hallelujah
<<2002-04-02 - 1:36 am>>

i feel so... vulnerable right now. i just spent the last... oh... seven hours doing really intensive research on jeff buckley. despite what i may sound like, before today i have not even once (okay, maybe once, or twice) looked up jeff on the net. the reason for that is because - though i know barely anything about him, though sometimes i can't even remember what he looks like - every time i so much as hear his name there is something in me that moves and kind of hurts. i can't recall having ever felt this way about a musician before. i have felt very strongly about people and music before, but never specifically The Way I Feel About Jeff. (yes, it gets capitals. that's how special it is.) if i soak too long in the sound of "grace" or "sketches," i cry. that's it. i don't understand it, but that's what happens. and i respect him in such a very deep way because he had all this baggage and crap and stuff that people slung on him and he stayed goofy and happy. always. that's beautiful. that's... like... that's what i yearn for. it's a rare quality. i don't quite know what i'm talking about. it's nearly 2 am, i haven't slept for a good long while. i'm gonna get less than five hours sleep tonight. my head is aching so badly and i just am so... depressed. i think that if jeff were still alive, i would not feel the same way about him as i do now. because there is this horrible, wrenching finality in the words "drowned in the wolf river." that, after grace, after all his live ep's.... that's it. that's all. people may release books, anthologies, all sorts of little things - but it's NOT jeff. oh god, i really hope nobody's paying attention to this, it's embarrassing. but i've GOT to get it out. this is my diary. this is where i'm SUPPOSED to spew really embarrassing emo crap such as the rant i am now in the middle of.

and jeff reminds me that there's always a light, you know? even if his light is gone, there's everyone else who has a light. but in order to be found, we've got to be lost a little while. that's why i really, really can't stand these people who give up so easily if for one moment they're not exactly sure their footing will hold them for the climb. SO WHAT? do you have a choice?

i have a friend who's got a boyfriend. and she had elevated him to such a disgusting height that when they broke up, she called me at like 2 am, sobbing. she was 14. she said "there's no one after james. that's it. no more love for me. he was The One, and if he doesn't love me then no one ever will." and she was so very serious about it. even after she calmed down she was very resolute and resigned to her "fate." which just made me want to kill her. why is everyone so fascinated by this morbid, "nobody loves me", romanticised image of the lonely life? it's not romantic. it's horrible. i mean, i don't know from actual personal experience - i'm still way too young to pass ANY judgements on ANYTHING pertaining to love in my field - but i think that if you have experienced love. and you have enjoyed it. THEN WHY GIVE UP? but if you have experienced love, and tried - and i mean, really thought - and you have decided you prefer the lonely life and it makes you happy, then it makes me happy too. i'm not talking to anyone in particular. but i think if you have chosen a life for yourself and it makes you happy - this doesnt have to be some pathway that is rigidly mapped in stone every step of the way, because life doesn't work like that - then just don't complain. be true to yourself. always.

didn't this start about jeff? yeah, it did. honestly, i don't know if i want anyone to read this, because i KNOW it makes no sense. but it was the thing i could get to quickest before my thoughts ran out. but they're running out now because words are so damn clumsy! i can't stand it. emotions do not mix well with words. i cannot capture the way i feel for jeff in a sentence for you, and it is unlikely that i ever will. i don't know if there are words with such deep meaning that could express it. and that's why i DON'T want to be a writer, because it's such a grossly inadequate thing. words? i love them, and sometimes they disgust me. they come out so slow that anything and everything i wanted to say is completely destroyed.

that's why i respect jeff (yes... back to jeff... again) as a songwriter. because i think when you are not writing prose you have freer reign of where your words go. do they have to make sense? of course not. do they have to sound good? not always. but in prose, they always have to make sense. there has to be a constant. it's almost like the rhythm you need to look for in songwriting, but i think you can take wide berths around what you REALLY literally mean in poetry/songwriting. in prose, you must be exact. you must tell the reader, in black and white and a few splashes of color on the side, exactly what you mean. it's so hard for me. it's all very routine. rhythmic. i'm not sure what i think. not now, and probably not for a long time to come. but you've got to be lost a while, before you can be found.

jeff buckley makes me hella emotional...

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