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back to schoooool... i wouldn't ever call myself "depressed" - i hate those labels. i respect people who don't label themselves as depressed and exploit it as a way of thinking and a way of life, rather than as a medical condition. i hate that word, depressed, and i hate all its connotations. i would never use it in reference to myself. that's just me. oh, right. so... an old friend of mine also died on sunday. his name was ryan. i went to grade school with him for like... six or seven years. he was just a little older than me, and it was weird. i did not want to go to the funeral, at all. on the way there i nearly got sick, but it was just sadness and nervousness. i did get to see nearly all of my grade-school friends, but i think i would have liked it more if we saw each other in a lighter atmosphere. in first grade or so, i can't exactly remember - first grade through third grade are kind of a big mushy ball of memories - ryan paid me the biggest compliment of my life. i haven't forgotten it yet, nor do i think i ever will. the pride i felt when he said it has dulled, of course, but the memory of it is still there. i felt horrible. everyone made the same old jokes about me wearing a skirt - "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" - and we threw crackers at each other and cried, and it was really just awkward and hard to grasp. i caught up with people, i exchanged phone numbers, and i laughed with them. that's probably the weirdest, most shameful thing: laughing with your friends at one of their funerals. one of you is gone and there's a little hole in the circle where he should be. it's fucking horrible. when i left, i really did get sick, but my mom told me it was probably because of something i ate at the wake. next subject: my sophomore year at csw, i'm very seriously considering boarding. there are about a hundred factors that make me WANT to, and then there's about a hundred and one factors that make me NOT want to. gargh. i only have about two more months of school left, and then i'm finished. then summer school, perhaps even a trip to england, and after that i don't know. i mean, if they don't kick me out of csw, i'd come back and board, i think. if they do, i'd probably go to boarding school in another state. i'm not sure. oh, that reminds me. TOMORROW I GET THE Q RAVER PICS OF CHRIS! see how sad i am? this is the high light of my week. roberta claims there were raver pics of chris in Q and i begged her for them. as of tuesday afternoon, i will be her slave for life. tres exciting. and tomorrow is special for several reasons, actually - we have something called "law day" which is basically just a forum about abuse of the first amendment, blahdy blah blah NO ONE CARES. but it only goes til like ten or eleven am - which means, i only have like three hours of school tomorrow. YESSSSSSSS! that means i can happily ogle my lovely raver chris pics in the comfort of my own home, thanks to roberta. phew. jeez, see what three days does to me? look at all that. i wish i could stay solemn sometimes, in ryan's memory and in the fact that this year at csw could quite honestly be my last. i wish i could stay appropriately mournful for every grievance that happens to me. but i can't, i really can't - the thought of cute chris photos absolutely makes my day. |
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