lost but not forgotten
<<2002-05-29 - 9:31 pm>>

i started crying when i read jordan's entry for today. he's so sweet to me sometimes. no, not sometimes- all the time. i don't know.

i think you can only understand jeff when you stop looking at it as music, but instead more like an art. something pure and sweet... not always untainted, that's for sure, but jeff was one of the divine human beings who had the gift of putting his emotions into beautiful song. he lived through song.

it's rare.

in other news, i have followed the way of roberta and gotten myself a writing diary. i am not at all sure what i am going to put in it- right now it's one regular diary entry and one beginning to a muse story - but i really, really like the layout i have for it. (pilfered from lex and altered unrecognizably by me.) it's here. i called it 'futurism,' though i don't know why. in the coming weeks, i will slowly spiff it up.

look for a drastic layout change within the next few days as well.

wow, i really just disappointed myself completely right there, with this stupid entry. i have been waiting ALL MONTH for this day. this day that meant so much to me, and yet the ONLY one who understood was jordan. that really, really sucked, actually. i went through the whole day, in a vague sort of pain, missing jeff, and i really couldn't communicate it at all. there's no doubt in my mind i would have been ridiculed. i don't care, though.. it meant something to me, and now it's over.

i wish i could have done something sweet and inspiring, like roberta, or something poetic, like jordan. but i couldn't. i just kind of... i don't know. i think i'm just washed out. i am so exhausted in every sense of the word.

i'm sorry, jeff..