it's just a change in me / somethin in my liberty
<<2002-02-14 - 7:00 p.m.>>

hmmm... yeah, i'd have to say coldplay's taken place of the strokes in favoritest band category. i tend to lean towards more mellow, emotional music - and the strokes kind of lack that whole... emotion thing. like, vast's music used to make me cry. and i've been in a crying mood since monday, for the most part.

me and scout aren't okay. at all. and i don't know if we will be. did i tell you the whole story? well, here it is anyway.

so i'm sure most of you know anyway. last wednesday, scout up and told me she couldn't be my friend anymore. it's a very long story, but the biggest part of it was that she was afraid that i would get kicked out of school, mostly because i've not been doing my homework. yeah. pretty stupid. so anyway, she "breaks up" with me wednesday afternoon. we have thursday and friday off as well, so i don't see her for four days. meanwhile, i'm completely depressed and trying hard to reason with myself. for four days, the whole world just makes me want to cry. so then on monday i go back to school. new classes, new week, hopefully everything is okay.

it's not.

scout ignores me completely for a day. not even eye contact. deliberately avoids me. the whole thing. you know. but then on tuesday she's back to being my friend - only something has changed. something under the surface has totally been wrenched off track.

i can't laugh with her anymore. i cant' talk to her anymore. we're back at square one, when she was so wary of everyone. i made it through that first stage and soon became her closest friend - so can i make it through that a second time? or have things changed so much...? god. i can't even think. it's so muddled up in my head. everything's suddenly DIFFERENT, and i cant stand it. scout's still scout, but suddenly she's mean and condescending, and another one of the people that i don't really want to be around.

i saw pants today, and he said hi, but i said hi first. it didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy... it just made me angry and frustrated.

i don't know. i don't know at all, and it's bothering me so much.

and the worst thing is that all kinds of things get offered to me, all the time, and i barely ever take them. i don't even know why. but i have a chance to talk to scout and fix this but my pride is getting in the way. "you mistreat me. you abandon me. you hurt me. you don't need me. you know what? i don't need you either." that's exactly what goes through my head when i think about talking to scout. i want to show her i'm stronger than her, i can stand losing her. i want to stand up and walk away with my head held high. i want her to see i've moved on. that's why i never talked to jay. sometiems i look at him talking to other people and think "god... he's so gross..." you know? i dunno. it's weird. i don't even know what i'm saying.

happy valentine's day.