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BAAAHHHH.
<<2002-03-14 - 5:45 pm>> okay, i had a total freak out session today. i talked to one of my closest friends who is so outwardly gay that even if you're straight you just wanna be GAY and OUT just so you'll have an excuse to be GAY AND OUT in her presence, you know? and i told her about my gf (she and i are on hiatus right now... sort of... i mean, she was like "do you want to see other people?" and i was like "yeah... but um... i still love you." and she called me cool and everything was all right. which is why i shall forever love chicks more, and i shall never ever ever fall in love with an emo boy.) anyway, what was i saying? oh yeah. ma petite-amie. so anyway, i told liz about joanna, and liz was totally gushing all over me about how cute she sounded and everything, and did my mom know, and what was it like being long-distance and what not... and today i was sitting in the car with my mom and she was talking about george bush and i just got seized by this incredible urge to go "mom... i'm gay." like, it just built up and was twisting around in my stomach and i got so anxious i thought i might have a spaz attack. i know how it feels now, to want to tell your parents sooo badly... but it just won't come out. like, honestly, it seriously will not come out of your mouth. you're running it over and over in your mind - three words that could make you or break you - but they will not come. i was thinking "what's it going to do for me in the long run?" and i figure if i bring a chick home, she won't be freaked out. i mean, i'm not totally gay - i didn't even think i was bi until before this week. it's just all so confusing. i want her to know, i want everyone to just know and i don't want to have to tell them... i just wish it weren't such a big part of my life now. it's a burden. and there are NO out lesbians at my school that i can think of, and i'm really ultimately too shy to join the gay-straight alliance, and i just really don't know. but i want someone, and i don't want a boy.<< - >> |