did you see the stylish kids in the riot? ||| arslan [v. svefn-g-englar]

"if i yelled DIARRHEA would you laugh?"
<<2002-04-13 - 10:04 am>>

hey. i'm actually in school right now (saturday study hall - that's what you get when you NEVER DO YOUR FREAKING HOMEWORK) and i'm like all alone. there's this sketchy old woman sitting across the room from me - she's my "proctor", or she's basically just here to check if i'm actually working and not doing crap like this. she looks about four hundred years old. anyway, i've been thinking alot lately - i talked to david again on the phone last night (third night in a row, i think) and i settled for the fact that we're friends - and we're good friends. maybe not the best, since we haven't talked to each other in a year, and he annoyed me immensely when i first knew him. but he's a person i'd like to know for a long time. i get into mucky territory around my feelings for him, and around how upset he is at the way his life is going, but that's all right - i don't want to fuck him up again. i don't want to fuck us up again, because in truth the way we fell apart the first time was 100% my fault. he tried to be overly nice, he tried to keep us going (that's where i run into another dead end - did he really try to keep us going or was he just treating me the way he treats all his friends?) and i just spit in his face and kept taking his gratitude. there's no doubt in my mind how much i loved him back then, though. that's why some things about susan (whole new topic... yeah, my mind works too fast for anyone to comprehend) piss me off - she believes that any close friendship needs to be something sexual. she turned the friendship we had into something sexual. and she claims she's a lesbian/is bisexual repeatedly whereas she has never shown any interest in girls except for me, and i know that was only because she was bored and she finds self-release (no pun intended) in fooling around with her female best friend. and now she's got jim, along with her four hundred other stupid shit boyfriends, and dangles it in front of my face. she's challenging me to drop to my knees and grovel, which i refuse to do.

scary old proctor woman keeps like standing up and sitting down and standing up and moving about and it's pissing me off! SIT DOWN, WOMAN, BEFORE YOU BREAK A HIP!!!

anyways. besides the girl i went out with yesterday, my scorn for relationships in general (especially those concerning me and a member of the male species) is still very much alive. i still think everything having to do with love, in my age group and beyond until death, is retarded. however, i don't find it hard when i see a friend of mine in a healthy, fun relationship with someone - and i'd never ever try to break a couple up just because i thought it was stupid. i'm not like that. however i voice my opinions and feel no remorse - unless i offend someone - and basically in a nutshell love is stupid, overrated, and 99 percent of the time it turns out badly. i am willing to wait for a very long time for any sort of love to come to me. i'm much happier having laid-back, easygoing arbitrary crushes like the one on the girl from yesterday, or the cute boy at the trainstation, or chris martin. (proctor woman moved again... i am going to beat her... SIT STILL, what are you, epileptic?!) but having to function in a relationship where a person actually needs more of my time than a good portion of my friends and responsibility is in order... well... fuck that.

i don't know. basically, in conclusion of ALL THAT CRAP, i think relationships are really stupid. i prefer my friends over anything else. i remember when i was younger, i never admitted the way i looked at girls to myself, and i always lusted after a boyfriend - not a specific boy, ever, just a 'boyfriend' because that was the cool thing to do (and i was like nine, you guys... dude i like didn't even know what a period was) - and i guess maybe that's made me cynical. i'm not sure. either way, the way people make such a huge deal out of having a boyfriend/girlfriend pisses me off. god, i mean... some people are like "i've got a boyfriend" and i'm like "oh yeah? what's he like?" and they're like "oh he's nice... yeah..." and i'm like "cool.. so... um... what is he into?" and they're like "...i... don't know." i hate that so much. they have a boyfriend/girlfriend just to fit in. FUCK THAT and FUCK YOU.

okay, jesus, tangents take a lot out of me. sorry about that. this started about david, didn't it? this hasn't gotten me anywhere except to work out my frustrations somewhat about the real fucked upedness of my emotions. scout has a point sometimes - that i'm happy all the time and that if someone isn't happy, then it's like i just don't even see them. that's not true. but when i turn around and look at myself deeper, i see that my emotions and the way i think.. it's like a... i dunno, a knot or something. it's like first it started out okay, and then i neglected it and never tried to untie it... and then the knot got worse and more tangled... and then more and more tangled and now every time i see the knot my whole body goes tense and i can't even look at it and so now it just keeps getting worse and more tangled. i won't even touch it. and trying to untangle it makes it worse. that's the only analogy i can think of.

FUCK YOU OLD PROCTOR WOMAN... YOU SMELL BAD! god! she's staring at me now!!! fuck you saturday study hall and fuck smoking cessation and fuck my cold toes. grrrr. weee. two days until 'nsync. i told lily i'd get her something... maybe. and this other girl ilyse is going to the concert so i have to look for her and see if i can spot her. aaand... i dunno. looking forward to getting home so i can speak to david and actually type up my unwritten fanfic stuff.

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