slave to the system
<<2002-04-18 - 12:42 pm>>

some stuff i've been having problems with in the past was stuff that i never identified as an actual problem has been really haunting me this year. i want so badly to get out of it. but anyway, i told my mother about getting a mid-mod - this academic notice that gets sent home, telling our parents that currently we are getting a C- or less in any particular class - and she was like "blah blah blah you have a problem with authority, which is why you don't do your homework" and i was like "you know, you're right." she seemed very sympathetic. but then she went on to lecture me about how i was phobic about everything and wouldn't take risks and blah blah. she doesn't know anything about my life, honestly. she doesn't even know the music i listen to. she doesn't know the names of my friends. she doesn't know what i'm interested in, she doesn't know what books i'm reading, she doesn't know how badly i want a girlfriend (although she does know that i like girls, she doesn't believe it's a lasting thing - a "stage," to which some degree i have to say she's probably right), she doesn't know anything. she does not know the fucked upedness inside my head at all. she doesn't know what i'm writing. she is so completely out of the loop of my life that it's hard to believe that she thinks she even has the right to make the assumptions about me that she makes constantly. which is why it angers me. she's like "blah blah blah whine whine you won't take risks with other kids - in the whole of your time at high school you haven't invited one kid over" and i'm like, "don't be such an ass. this isn't the fucking fifties. i don't have sleepover parties and stay up painting each others toenails and trading beauty secrets and gossiping about how that pete from english is such a dreamboat. i mean, seriously. most of the kids i know go out and GET FUCKING DRUNK."

blech. parents are such a hindrance. i honestly can't wait til i'm out of the house. i called jordan a while ago and together we planned our futures. he's going to go to bard and be a photographer and have a house in palo alto and live with three of his best friends for as long as he can stand it. when his wits run out on that plan, he'll move out and travel, taking pictures. i thought i'd finish high school, defer college for a year or two and take from my trust fund and travel around europe and asia. no plans on my future career. i used to be certain i was going to be a writer but right now i'm pretty apathetic on that part of my future.

good stuff coming up: tonight, i... er, i AM having a sleepover. haha. rachel's sleeping over and coming to school with me tomorrow. ANARCHY ENSUES! it'll be so much fun. maybe i'll make her torture some people for me.

i'm listening to jeff buckley's first sketches cd. i had forgotten how good it was. sam's got the second one right now. i have to get it back soon... must have... must have my jeff...

oh, thanks to roberta for being just so cool all the time. i don't know if she knows it or not but.. i dunno, she's very reassuring sometimes. i never knew what a sore spot my writing was until i started stressing majorly over it and making a really big deal out of it starting a few months ago. it tipped the scales against me - i was totally unsure about my writing. it used to be this awesome great thing that i could do whenever, for myself, for whatever, it didn't matter. all that mattered was that i liked it. but then i started showing it to people and putting it up on ff.net, and... all that stuff... and it just became.. i don't know. the worst thing was daniel k. and those people (REMEMBER THEM, J? ohmygawd, i still want to kill them...) used to just tear my writing apart and call me names and stuff cos i wrote fanfics. i dunno. but anyway, yeah, after writing started to be a chore, something that i lost some sleep over, i began to think that if i lived my whole life like this and turned writing into my WAY of life, i would absolutely go insane and just die. ah, this was a really disjointed rant. but what i started out to say was that roberta reassures me alot without even knowing it- i dunno, her cute reviews that make me smile are kind of like a reassurance, and the fact that she wants to be a writer and she's so sure of herself gives me a boost. yeah. and jordan is totally absolutely my guardian angel; he sensed immediately that i would need constant reassurance and a constant guiding hand. he's been one of the best things i could've asked for. i just wanted to thank the both of you cos you rule.