stripey beast!
<<2002-04-25 - 6:50 pm>>

my mother and i talk about nothing. rather, she talks AT me, all the time, about two things: the weather and my homework. that's it. and i don't care about either.

next year, provided i'm not kicked out of csw, i am boarding. because to me, boarding equals freedom. there is a lengthy process involved in having any social event at all in my life - my mother must know about this event at least a week ahead of time and approve of the person i am going with. she must know this person's background information and what they look like and their shoe size and their middle name and their location of birth, and she must talk to their parents. after i've convinced her i am not going out to a party with an ex-con and she reluctantly says yes, there is still those few days left where she is completely free to say NO and forbid me from going at any time. and she never really has a reason for refusing to let me out of the house. my theory is that she likes to watch me suffer, but maybe i'm just biased. so basically i'm just really sick of the lengthy approval process. i'm going out to dinner with lily tomorrow night and then to a concert saturday afternoon, and immediately my mother sat me down and talked at me for nearly ten minutes. she wanted her home address, she wanted to talk to her parents, she wanted to know if lily was a good student... she warned me against driving with anyone, she told me she wouldn't let me take the train in the dark, she wanted the name of the place we were going to and what kind of food it served. she wanted to know if anyone was going with us. she wanted to know how long i had known lily. i am completely supportive of parents wanting to know a little about the person their child is going out with... but dude... their home address? and what the hell does it matter what lily looks like? i mean... GOOD LORD. i am just so sick of it. sorry, i really had to rant.

i just really need to get out of the house. once i do, i think i'm gonna try as hard as i can to sever my contact with both of my parents. my mother has her hands full with my brother, who she loves creating problems for... just this week she took him into the hospital because "he was having problems sleeping." no, he's not having problems - he's staying up all night going online and watching bad tv, because he doesn't want to get up in the morning for school. DUH. jesus. she then took him in again for an EKG and MRI scan to test if his medication levels are too high (my brother has a neurological problem, something akin to a seizure disorder) because my he's been kind of hyper lately. but there is NOTHING wrong with him. people just like to poke and prod at him every single minute. jesus, it makes me so angry. i don't know, my family is so totally dysfunctional. i've already started distancing myself from my father, who used to be like my stronghold, or where i could escape to when i couldn't stand my mother. but i don't trust him or his wife anymore. the only bad thing about that is when i don't see him that means i have to spend more time with my mom. so essentially i've burned my only bridge, and i've got nowhere to turn. if i can't board at csw next year... well... it won't be pretty. i don't know how much longer i can live without freedom.