wasting my time
<<2002-05-09 - 9:29 pm>>

1. made my sophomore year schedule
2. came to an agreement with my mother about boarding
3. posted nearly thirty times at the coldplay message board
4. felt alternately really good and really crappy
5. worried alot
6. talked to david
7. had insane, crazy mood swings over the stupidest things
8. made like four new aim sns
9. nearly cried in front of my advisor and the librarian and the latin teacher
10. posted here and felt stupid because i realized i'm only wasting time.

today was really crappy. total crap fest. absolute crap from beginning to end. every day is beginning to become a mix of crappy crap and happy crap, and the crappy crap is definitely outweighing the happy crap. i have these minor mood swings from time to time. when i started this entry, i felt really good. right now, i feel really, really... i don't know... just down.

i realized everything i do is a waste of time. i don't want to make this a long entry because it's a waste of time, too. and plus depressing, stupid entries are so boring. but i need to say it.

every second that passes is a waste of time.

i'm wasting my time at school. i'm wasting my time sitting in my physics class, passing notes with sonia and trying to figure out if jason's incessant lip-licking is a tic.

i'm definitely wasting my time doing homework. csw is not a challenge for me intellectually at all. they try to challenge kids in obscure ways, but it does not inspire thinking, it inpsires WASTING OF TIME.

i'm wasting my time right now, sitting this chair. my butt's asleep and i'm sitting on my left leg, so that's asleep too.

i wasted sooo much time today. i wasted time on the coldplay message board - though that was happily wasted, it was, indeed, wasted.

basically, what i'm saying is my whole existence is a waste of time. i am NOT AT ALL happy with anything in my life right now. i feel powerless to change it at this point in time. something has got to give, which it is, somewhat: next year, i am almost certain that i will board. that's a change, though it's yet to be seen whether it will be for the better or the worse.

i just don't know what ground i'm on anymore, with anything. jordan and i are not speaking... i've stopped writing... i've become so viciously critical of myself the past few days... i've been on the verge of happy/depressed tears the past few days, but my period has passed already. it can't be PMS. what the hell is it?

i just want to slip out of this insecure groove. i want to be happy and jumpy again. nothing ever satisfies me. i can't stand living at home. i can't stand waking up every day and driving to school. i can't stand the fact that i'm not reading ANYTHING good right now and i haven't for nearly six or seven months now. i can't stand seeing my mother, i can't stand that she feels the sudden need to hug me, touch me, speak to me so much... i think she knows she's losing me, so she's trying to rope me back in. it freaks me out when she hugs me. i get really wonky when she stands too near to me. i think that goes for everyone, actually. i can't decide if i actually like human contact or not.

jesus, okay, this was long. i don't want to speak anymore. it's making me angrier and more hopeless.

basically school is wrecking my life right now, and when it goes down everything else kind of follows. i'm hanging off a cliff of something, i don't know what's at the bottom or what's at the top or why i'm hanging over the edge. i've got nothing to hold on to. i need someone, or something, or... anything... to pull me back up.

grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Moogle35: all the chitlins would idolize me
Moogle35: i could have a army of them sell their vital organs, i can take the cash and give them tootsie rolls instead
x parachutes x: hells yes
x parachutes x: because, you know, nobody needs their liver if they've got tootsie rolls