i don't even know what to put here, haha
<<2002-05-26 - 3:42 pm>>

so, how many of you have ever been like... totally bushwhacked by love?

maybe that's not the best expression..."bushwhacked" sounds too goofy. okay, how about completely seized by it?

yesterday i called chris at like midnight and we talked until 2. he fell asleep on the phone and i kind of just listened to him breathe for a little while (shit, that sounds creepy, but it was the most calming thing ever... he snores like really softly). just thinking about him now makes me get all giddy.

we started off innocent, like laughing and trading jokes and just talking and then my flirt-o-meter needle went to like 400% and every five minutes we'd stop to tell each other how awesome each of us were. hahaha. but seriously, chris IS the smartest funniest sweetest (definitely sweetest) guy i've met since... i don't know when. since meeting david, i think. i feel so blessed because i have so many sweet charming guys in my life. chris is high on my list of sweet charming guys right now. like, number one.

i have no qualms, personally, about choosing him over molly for several reasons- i knew molly was kind of picking me because she needed arm candy. and she'll never know about me and chris. the weird thing is though, i have this really strong desire to take him to the end-of-the-year boat dance thingy... i don't know. maybe i'm turning into mlly, always needing to make my affection public.

one factor that makes my complete adoration for chris a little difficult: he's 18. he's out of high school. you know, all the stuff that happens when you're 18.

i mean, it's not like i haven't had older boyfriends or girlfriends - my oldest boyfriend (lance) was 19, and he was one of the boys that i truly, truly loved (and still do) (and i have a feeling chris will have the same impact lance did: lance made me SO happy, i honestly thought he like bathed in crack or something before he came and saw me.. or something... if you know what i mean).

i don't even know what i'm talking about. personally i think i'm one of those girls who just always likes things better when they're, like, unobtainable, you know? i get crushes super easily. but then when the person i get a crush on returns the crush, it's weird. i kind of prefer it that way. so what i'm wondering is now that me and him have told each other how we feel and only known one another for a little while, what happens? how long does it last? when will the insecurities set in (they already have for me)? it just all gets weird.

he lives about half an hour away from me, so i could see him all the time. i was planning to see him today, but i have to finish my physics paper, and he didn't get out of work until 3 (he works at an indie record store.. you're all jealous now!) and it was kind of too complicated. "hey, dad, could you drive me to braintree so i could go hang out with my brand-spanking-new boyfriend who's 18 years old and who is sinfully gorgeous?" cos he is, you know. he's fucking hot. he doesn't think so, but he is just wrong.

i want to see him so badly. i had an old boyfriend who used to call me really late at night when i was tired and then not say anything for a while so i'd fall asleep because he liked to kind of listen to me sleep. i always thought he was a big freak for it, but now i understand... it's so soothing and calm and sweet.

to me, right now, chris seems completely without fault. he's PERFECT. he's perfectly just slightly insecure, perfectly in touch with all of his emotions and his thoughts, perfectly fucking hilarious, perfectly absolutely romantic, perfectly everything.

i want to go spend the day with him tomorrow so badly. monday is a holiday so neither of us have any obligations. i could go hang with him and then take the train home. it would work perfectly.

shit, i have to stop thinking about it...

and you know, it's TOTALLY all his fault. it started with an email, then i IMed him, and then i finally got up the guts to call him and we sparked so fast.

and he makes me feel fucking SPECIAL, too, you know? haha, he so does. i've now kind of half-convinced myself that, due to the large number of guys i have met over the past few years that have claimed to have fallen head over heels for me, that there is SOMETHING, maybe nothing big, just something, that is unique or special or endearing about me. that i'm not just a big blob of boring insecurity. that i'm not just totally weird and fucked up and lame. that i AM a good worthwhile person, occasionally.

DAMMIT. i want chris right now. arg.

i'm so sorry to have bored you with all of that. up there, all that crap, is just me sorting out my thoughts and my feelings. i didn't get very far but it helped to write it out. i don't know if he reads this diary... if he did, that would be weird... cos then he'd know everything, you know? if i fell totally in love with him more than i did already, he'd be able to read about it and then freak out and be like "wow, i've got a stalker on my hands," or something. i don't even know.

i'm in a weirdy mood...

but i've got a boyfriend who works in an indie record store, has a car, has seen radiohead live (and has stood about ten feet away from thom yorke, which, i am sure, makes him some sort of god) and claims to love me.

i'm seeing star wars later tonight.

something must be wrong here, because my life is fucking perfect...