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psh...you aint no ms. seinfeld i can TELL YOU THAT kill my boot: uhhh kill my boot: what? kill my boot: you're not going? PlatonicBlues: well they called i think...im not sure if they talked to anyone though PlatonicBlues: sam walkers not going either kill my boot: DAMMIT PlatonicBlues: hey man, you had the oportunity not to go...BUT YOU DIDNT TAKE IT DID YOU?? kill my boot: well I'M GONNA GO AND I'M GONNA HAVE A GREAT FREAKING TIME PlatonicBlues: IM GONNA HAVE TO WATCH THE GET REAL PREVIEW ALL BY MYSELF kill my boot: OKAY? AND YOU'RE GONNA STAY AT HOME AND BE ANTI SOCIAL kill my boot: FINE, YOU DO THAT PlatonicBlues: WELL YOU GO THEN. IM GONNA STAY HOME AND DO SOMETHING USEFULL kill my boot: LIKE WHAT? PlatonicBlues: LIKE OGLE GAY BOYS KISSING AND PLAY MUSIC kill my boot: that's pretty useful PlatonicBlues: i know PlatonicBlues: isnt it? kill my boot: i'd have to say it's more useful than a trip to six flags kill my boot: BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT PlatonicBlues: hahahahaha PlatonicBlues: i think its really funny how much of the same page we're on PlatonicBlues: yeah, itll go okay kill my boot: i'll have the time of my life PlatonicBlues: sam i think is planning on just not showing up kill my boot: hahaha kill my boot: i was going to make a cancer joke just then manwitaplan16: do you know who coldplay is? argh... andrew-james (as i have now dubbed him, as neither andrew nor james - nor ANDY, hurgh - fit quite right) is taking over my life. i talked to him today. every time i looked at him i felt totally insane. it's driving me crazy... i almost want this waiting to be over and for it just to suddenly be like we're together, but then again i kind of like having this crush. plus i know there's NO way in hell he likes me- it's much more likely he has a crush on ellen or something like that. she's got SO much more to offer than i do. i was walking across campus today and i caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the windows, and i just felt this sudden surge of loathing, like "you have absolutely no chance with andrew james, you're dykey and ugly and fat, and he's not your type. you don't even know him. you gave up relationships because they're stupid- why would andrew james be any different?" and it's true. i'm not cute, i'm not smart, i'm weird and stupid and a consistently bad person. there is no way in hell he'd be voluntarily interested in me. so i'm horribly horribly in love with him - more than i have been with anyone (besides... um... someone else) in months - but i'm scared of him too. well, not scared of him really- i can talk to him easily. he talks to me too. but i just get so insecure. am i loud and annoying when i talk to him? am i too needy? have i been too public with my crush on him (that's a big problem with me.. i do that all the damn time, and by the end of the week the object of my affection has heard from a hundred different people how much i love them and then they never speak to me again)? i want to ask him really badly. whenever i look at him, a hundred different scenarios of a perfect relationship plant themselves firmly in my mind. i know it won't be like that at all - because i think we're both totally dysfunctional and shy - but it would be so nice. even if it just lasted a week. to have something real with someone i really liked. i feel like this is something other than what i usually have: a fickle little spark, that as soon as i realize they return the same feelings i have for them, any sort of passion at all just dies. but the thought of just letting my... um... love (ew) for andrew james die without making any attempt to acknowledge it makes me really depressed. but i know i have no hope. the last thing i want to do is pressure him into some stupid relationship where he just feels compelled to say yes because i asked him. that's the worst thing inthe world.. it's happened to me far too often. hopefully at least hes got more willpower than me, so if i ask him and he's genuinely not interested, he'll just say no (and be respectful about it and not go spreading it all over the school to make me sound like a creep- people at CSW are prone to doing that). i'm just really scared... but really determined. i want to leave it a few more days, since maybe the more chance i give him to get to know me, the more chance i have.. of... something. of looking less like a creepy creep... uh... creep face. if he knows me better, i guess. i think he knows i like him anyway. i made the pretty grave mistake of telling loudmouth max haimowitz that i liked andrew james. i'm almost positive he's told him... but i think i'm okay with that. it's almost like testing the waters for me. it's easier to ask him if he already knows, i guess. well, tomorrow he's going on the stupid class trip to six flags (it's an AMUSEMENT PARK, roberta, hahah) so i'll get to spend the whole day with him. it totally reminds me of my day at, um.. six flags in explo, when i had that big crush on this dork chip... hahaha. that was fun actually. arrrrgh. emotions... stupid |
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